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2nd-Feb-2010 02:31 am - roommate
My roommate steals from me. I'm not talking borrowing without asking or forgeting to put things back. For instance, i have a pair of diamond earrings i got for my birthday from my mom a few years ago. I noticed she was wearing them, i said oh are those my earrings and she said no. the thing is though, they were mine. Anyway i waited a few days and said i really needed my earrings back, she pretended like i didnt know i was aling about. She does it in this absurdly passive way and she knows im extremely unconfident and therefore unconfrontational so she just takes advantage of me. the weird part is shes liek my best friend, like actually a great friend in many ways. but that is all over shadowed by the fact that she steals from me and then lies about it. I dont know what to do its driving me crazy. I'm always missing make up or clothes or jewelry, sometimes i find it in her room and take it back but some stuff i cant find and she carries around her make up (my make up) with her and never doesnt have her bag with her. I can't take it anymore, im going insane. Ive tried talking to her about it several times, i dont feel comfortable living in my own apartment. my stuff is always missing. She straight lies about it when i ask her, shes completely taking advantage of me and i dont know how to stop it. Please, some advice here would be great. I live with her, so a big blow out would just make things even worse. help me please. its really driving me nuts. i think about it all day, its been going on for months and now everytime a friend asks to borrow anything i freak out. she's a psycho stealer and liar yet shes also my roommate and friend, one that i am growing extremely resentful towards, but friend nonetheless.
8th-Dec-2009 11:02 pm(no subject)
ive never had so liitle self awareness, so unable to explain whats going on with me or even concieve what is. just sad. really sad.
3rd-Mar-2009 03:24 pm - confusion
im so confused im going crazy...i relapsed last wendsday...i had been sober for over year...september 9th of 07 was my date...i was going to meetings, just started my fifth step had a sponcer, what is wrong with me? i just tried so hard and it didnt work and i ended up spending all my money in 2 days.  im in class now, i have a huge test coming up but i dont understand any of this and havent paid attention all year yet so why start now just keep going crazy.  i thought i had two choices i guess, either kill myself or escape...it wasnt cool or anything either...i sat alone doing coke then got drunk by myself...i mean i want to be sober but i feel liek i cant do it and im to depressed or bipolar to not do drugs....i know my mind is not like other peopels, it thinks crazy thoughts and is never quiet.  i go from being incredibly to happy t wanting to die in less than a second.  

the question now is what do i do? i need help..no one reads this thing anyway tho i guess this is the one time i wish someone actually did.  i want to be sober but i want to use drugs but my life is built around sobriety my friends, roommate, etc... now my mom has found out n im fucked...its already spiraling our of control and i know this because my "sponcer" i dont know what she is now except someone whose helpful and there for me...pointed that out to me....like already...its been 5 days im so confused....now im back home(was in florida with family over wkend only got drunk in airport on way home, they are all into my sobriety) i need fucking help i dont know what to do im scared im confused...i cud go do drugs easily but i have all these reponcbilities and now i actually care about them which is different from when i used to use.  WHAT DO I DO? it doesnt even matter actually what anyone says cuz deep down i just have no idea... a part of me knows i should be sober and wants that life and desires taht and all and i know im an addict or alcohololic or whatever...but a part of me really wants to just be fucked up or try to control it even (though being fucked up appeals more to me than having a glass although at times i obsess about that too) i dunno as you can see im rambling bcause i am so confused and dont know waht to say or ask
16th-Feb-2009 11:20 pm - insecure
i am so insecure and then im insecure about the fact that im insecure in the first place n then i hate myself for even thinking those thoughts.  what is fucking wrong with me... i was so happy today, i went jetskiing i went as fast as it could go i soaked up every minute of the rush of it and i fucking loved it, then i went back to lie on the beach with my family and they were like u should join a gym and were making comments on my weight, i know im not fat but like one of my friends, actually my closest friend said i was looking "rounder in the face" as well, like wtf, i hate that i even care about that, like im so into non conforming especially about how people look, and all that accepting and loving your body and women have curves yet there are these times when i just am so fucking hating myself because i feel like my body doesnt look like the people in magazines or manequins in the stores.   i wish i just didnt care how i looked, i never care about how anyone ese looks like in terms of guys ive always believe beauty is in the eye of the beholder, ive always been attracted to personalities, and with friends i really cant say i've ever judged someone based on weight yet im so fucking hard on mysef, my parents want me to start going to the gym, i know it would be a good idea, manly because i do love the endorphins that come with it, but i dont want it to be because i want to look a certain way, yet it is.  I can't believe im even wrting this on here knowing that someone could possibly read it even though i know probebly no one will, but like im ashamed of how insecure i am.  to top it all off, although that is a big insecurity body image and all, as it is with everyone, that is only the tip of the iceberg, i get insecure about literally everything.  This guy ive been talking about, who i am dating, its liek every time my phone beeps i hope its him and its not and then im liek i wonder if he likes me or oh no he doesnt think about me as much as i think about him, but its all bullshit and i need to just live life and not worry bout how other poeple see me, i used to never worry about that, not until i got sent away.  i guess thats not true actually, but not to this extent...i just want to be confident in myself and a happy healthy human being i dont know how to go about doing that, i mean ive been in therapy since i was a kid, ive spent time in psychwards and as well as a wilderness program and 2 years of intensive lockdown therapuetic/ rehab school, and im still in therapy once a week, like how am i not the person ive wanted to become by now? actually, i have no idea who i want to become, i dont think i have any suitible role models in my life who i actually look up to, most of them are dead rockstars, and their deffinately not good role models, i have no fucking clue who i want to be.  i just have an idea of somehting thats all ready inside me that my mind isnt letting me have.  liek i know im a good person and healthy confident person yet my mind is fucking me over all the time, sometimes i feel liek my mind isnt connected to me at all, its just this evil entity making me hate myself or others. this is a lot and i have so much more i could write but ive seen a bunch of the other entries on here and they're all super short probebly cuz no one reads the long ones so till next time i guess...
15th-Feb-2009 06:44 pm - catogorizing
I have no idea where i stand....im probebly closest to a hippie, but my music taste is vast and i like to wear all black cuz it looks good on me.  I think of myself as pretty free spirited but i only let myself be to a point i guess, the whole disposition of these catogories makes no sense to me...and the reason the music i listen to is so vast is because i've been through just about every one is some phase or another... i did the hiphop sneakers and all thing...i did the goth, the punk, the major hippie, the cub kid, the "i dont like labels" thing, i still go through them all almost daily, theres also about 20 others maybe their subcatorgories i dunno but the badass, the innocent (that didnt work well for me), the druggie, now what am i, a mix? is that even possible?  sometimes i feel like this: ugh i just dont eunderstand society or where i fit in with it, and everytime i put a label on myself i just go to too much of an extreme with it, i have such a mixed group of friends, i dont understand any of them, and i know none of them understand me, i even have like really close friends, who i know that logially im close with, we talk all the time spend tons of time together and love and care about eachother, but i dont actually feel close with anyone, i dont actually feel any sort of connection with other human beings, i often dont feel liek im human, i mean does anyone else out there feel this way, i've asked a few people they had no idea what i was talking about,   i often feel liek i shouldnt be in society, like my mind is too impulsive and scary to be around people, i should be in a psychward, i would feel safer, a padded white room would be nice, with no one, just me, i wouldnt be able to hurt anybody, or care so much about being close with someone.
15th-Feb-2009 12:25 am - nothin special
so i've been writing in journals almost my whole life, always knowing that it was for no ones eyes but my own but i've been putting this off cuz its weird to write knowing people have the opportunity to read it, but i know probebly no one will anyway so fuck it whatever...i have nothing epic or poetic to say, i feel like i should considering this is my first entry in this thing, but fuck it....
I'm in mexico with my dad my little brother and step mom...our relationship, the ones with my step mom and my dad have always been for the most part tumultous , i havent spent this much time with them in years, they kicked me out of their house a few years ago...my little brother is their chid together and its like their this perfect little family and im such an outsider...i know they try, but its just the natural order of things...i am the fathers prior family, i will never fit into the life he has made for himself now....on the other hand i am a spoiled brat, because they do try to not forget about me and they invited to mexico, its so beautiful, its the fanciest place ive ever stayed, and its so beautiful.  I am so greatful to be here, lying in the sun listening to good music is so nice, i even worked out today which i never do and it felt amazing....then i ate a bunch of deserts tho so i dont even think it counts haha....i got to spend valentines day with my little 9 year old brother and snuggle and watch richie rich, and although i know i dont completely fit in, or feel a part of this family, i do feel liek everyone is deffinately trying slightly more to make me feel more comfortable, i mean i know my little brother is great, and my dads trying and even tracey who hates me the most i feel as though she is not being horrendously mean or rude to me....i really can't complain and if i do its just because my mind is my worst enemy.  It's terrible to have a mind that can make you want to cry when your sitting next to the cutest boy ever whose your favorite person in the world and your in the sun and being pampered and surrounded by beauty.  It just makes me feel like that much worse of a person when im not greatful.  I am greatful, but i just dont care about the price of a hotel or where we are even, i just want my dad to pay attention to me and talk to me and not base his life only on tracey and sammy but also me and jared(older brother, also part of his prior family), and i want tracey to be more like a loving person to me, my little brother on the other hand is perfect :).  it's sometimes hard for me seeing my dad play with sammy and get so excited about him trying new things or just loving him so much and being so affectionate with him, and even though he slightly tries now (not much) i never had that and although i can listen to nas's "poppa was playa" a hundred times and be greatful that my dad is somewhat in my life now, the little girl in me still just wishes she could've had the same man be her father that sammy has.  My dad has changed so much, when i was growing up he wasnt much a part of my life, and when he was, he was a very angry scary kind of guy, when he married my step mom 10 years ago he changed for the better, but i saw him even less.  Over the past few months we've deffinately become closer, and he's tried to prove to me that he's changed and that he doesnt want to abandon me again, but its so hard for me to trust that i guess even though i want to so bad its liek to scary, and im normally very brave.  I just dont understand whats wrong with me, cuz i know everyones parents get divorced, no child actually get to see what a functional relationship looks like, not even my little brother because my dad and step mom are weird together to, they dont fight but hes just her little bitch and that cant be right, but anyway everyone gets over it, parents gets divorced, it happens, why cant i be over it, wy do i still get so sad, maybe cuz the aftermath of it still hit me in the face everytime im with them.  
i guess its weird to ust start writing and if your reading this you have no background on me....no history....but i guess with time it'll all come out and i can't really sum it up...a lot of big things, a lot of little things... a lot of love... a lot of fear i dunno where else to go with that...i feel like this writing is way less poetic or musical than how i normally write...but i dont think anyone would be able to understand that, not that anyone will ever read this anyway, but if someone does let me know...i dont necisarily think its human nature for people to read not so interesting stuff about not so interesting people that they dont even know tho, so i doubt it....but now im going to go read all your inner most thoughts
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