im so confused im going crazy...i relapsed last wendsday...i had been sober for over year...september 9th of 07 was my date...i was going to meetings, just started my fifth step had a sponcer, what is wrong with me? i just tried so hard and it didnt work and i ended up spending all my money in 2 days. im in class now, i have a huge test coming up but i dont understand any of this and havent paid attention all year yet so why start now just keep going crazy. i thought i had two choices i guess, either kill myself or escape...it wasnt cool or anything either...i sat alone doing coke then got drunk by myself...i mean i want to be sober but i feel liek i cant do it and im to depressed or bipolar to not do drugs....i know my mind is not like other peopels, it thinks crazy thoughts and is never quiet. i go from being incredibly to happy t wanting to die in less than a second.
the question now is what do i do? i need help..no one reads this thing anyway tho i guess this is the one time i wish someone actually did. i want to be sober but i want to use drugs but my life is built around sobriety my friends, roommate, etc... now my mom has found out n im fucked...its already spiraling our of control and i know this because my "sponcer" i dont know what she is now except someone whose helpful and there for me...pointed that out to me....like already...its been 5 days im so confused....now im back home(was in florida with family over wkend only got drunk in airport on way home, they are all into my sobriety) i need fucking help i dont know what to do im scared im confused...i cud go do drugs easily but i have all these reponcbilities and now i actually care about them which is different from when i used to use. WHAT DO I DO? it doesnt even matter actually what anyone says cuz deep down i just have no idea... a part of me knows i should be sober and wants that life and desires taht and all and i know im an addict or alcohololic or whatever...but a part of me really wants to just be fucked up or try to control it even (though being fucked up appeals more to me than having a glass although at times i obsess about that too) i dunno as you can see im rambling bcause i am so confused and dont know waht to say or ask