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to see if i still feel
3rd-Mar-2009 03:24 pm
im so confused im going crazy...i relapsed last wendsday...i had been sober for over year...september 9th of 07 was my date...i was going to meetings, just started my fifth step had a sponcer, what is wrong with me? i just tried so hard and it didnt work and i ended up spending all my money in 2 days.  im in class now, i have a huge test coming up but i dont understand any of this and havent paid attention all year yet so why start now just keep going crazy.  i thought i had two choices i guess, either kill myself or escape...it wasnt cool or anything either...i sat alone doing coke then got drunk by myself...i mean i want to be sober but i feel liek i cant do it and im to depressed or bipolar to not do drugs....i know my mind is not like other peopels, it thinks crazy thoughts and is never quiet.  i go from being incredibly to happy t wanting to die in less than a second.  

the question now is what do i do? i need help..no one reads this thing anyway tho i guess this is the one time i wish someone actually did.  i want to be sober but i want to use drugs but my life is built around sobriety my friends, roommate, etc... now my mom has found out n im fucked...its already spiraling our of control and i know this because my "sponcer" i dont know what she is now except someone whose helpful and there for me...pointed that out to me....like already...its been 5 days im so confused....now im back home(was in florida with family over wkend only got drunk in airport on way home, they are all into my sobriety) i need fucking help i dont know what to do im scared im confused...i cud go do drugs easily but i have all these reponcbilities and now i actually care about them which is different from when i used to use.  WHAT DO I DO? it doesnt even matter actually what anyone says cuz deep down i just have no idea... a part of me knows i should be sober and wants that life and desires taht and all and i know im an addict or alcohololic or whatever...but a part of me really wants to just be fucked up or try to control it even (though being fucked up appeals more to me than having a glass although at times i obsess about that too) i dunno as you can see im rambling bcause i am so confused and dont know waht to say or ask
28th-Apr-2009 04:45 am (UTC) - Dont feel bad
I totally don't understand your laws. Here in Denmark we only have a purchase age of 16 in shops when it comes to alcohol. I drink alcohol myself (not very much) and it is accepted by my parents. Actually they would like for me to drink more and attend parties, but I don't like to loose control and be around many people.

But when there is no legal methods and alcohol is banned, criminals will be quick to fill this need and sell drugs to the youth instead.

Are you an addict? Properly not, but when people tell you that as a part of the 12 step program and the program is based on privilges based on what you confess, it is easy to buy into it.

You have relapsed. So what!

A friend of mine who had problems to control the amount of alcohol he legally purchased was confronted by his parents. They asked him to draw two cirkels. The first one we should fill out with all the activities he did before he started to drink, the second after. Then it became visible what he had chosen to not do anymore. From then off he became aware about how he should plan his time.

I sense that you are a good person, but the programs has left you ashame of your self. Look your self in the mirror. Tell your self that you are a good person with ressources because you are. I can tell it from your writing.

Ask your self why you use things. What is preventing you from reaching out to your goals without chemicals? Does the reaction from people bother you? Don't care. Are you afraid to fail? Don't be. People makes mistakes all time. It is how we learn from our mistakes that makes the difference.

I don't care if people find it odd for me to be in the library all day. It is what I want. I don't want to hunt a girlfriend, when a relationship would mean less time reading. I don't care how people see my life. I just want them to back off and let me live my life.

Is your challenge (I don't like the word problem) based on you being afraid of people judging you?
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